it's been maybe a couple of years since this happened– but from time to time in the past when i talked about my relationship with my wife, i'd sometimes get very intense angry/upset responses from women who were clearly pattern-matching me onto someone abusive or controlling
that read was so far removed from my reality that it never bothered me personally, i'd show it to my wife and we'd both be like "aw man, yikes" about it, because truly, poor them, that they witnessed something so terrible that their threat model is so hypervigilant
eg in this case it *didnt even occur to me* to say "if she doesn't want to", because to me that was so obvious that I took it for granted as 'it goes without saying'
the thing that i'm thinking about today in relation to this is how... it's very difficult to have a good friendship/relationship between equals, across this sort of 'trigger gap'. and i think it partially explains why people tend to be clustered "amongst their own kind"
even if both parties are generally kind, civil, polite, respectful, make an effort to understand each other, etc etc
i've spent 20+ years of my life now trying to be 'friends with everyone' as much as i could, and the consequence of that is that i've developed a lot of sad experience of the limits of that. you'd typically need a very compelling reason to overcome such friction. which is rare
^ in the earliest years it was because i was lonely, but i actually basically 'solved' that, and from then on it became about helping other kids who are lonely like i was— and the really sad thing is that i haven't been able to help all of them; not even all that seek me out
like maybe 20-30% of them are down bad worse than i was, and i'm not qualified to help those cases. (tho sometimes maybe about 3% of the time i hear from someone who was down bad worse and somehow used my stuff to self-administer the indescribable mental motions they needed)
i'm visualizing my kidself like. i'm 12 and i'm offered this quest, "do you want to help kids like yourself?" i obviously leap at it and go yes please!!
"the cost is that some of those kids are going to come to you with hope in their eyes and they're not gonna make it"
man
i mean it's not like i'm a doctor or surgeon operating on people who literally die, so. i have it comparatively easy. someone who 'doesn't make it' in the short-medium term might still 'make it' (on their own terms) years down the line. i'm not getting to the heart of it here...
the heart of the thing is sth like, to decide to try and help, even amongst the people who opt-in and want to be helped, is to decide to encounter failure after failure. idk how anybody ever, yknow, runs a company where you might have to fire people. i'd be sad about it forever
ig you just keep focusing on the wins. the next kid you can help. the next happy reader, customer, colleague, etc. there's an element of mission focus there, where moping excessively about the lost and fallen jeopardizes the mission for those still engaged
but the optimal amount of moping is not 0
and when i think 'why am i sad, why does it hurt,' etc and give myself space to really see and feel it all in context, i realize i would not much like the version of myself that feels nothing
"optimal amount of moping is not 0" lmfao once again we are here
it's been maybe a couple of years since this happened– but from time to time in the past when i talked about my relationship with my wife, i'd sometimes get very intense angry/upset responses from women who were clearly pattern-matching me onto someone abusive or controllingthat read was so far removed from my reality that it never bothered me personally, i'd show it to my wife and we'd both be like "aw man, yikes" about it, because truly, poor them, that they witnessed something so terrible that their threat model is so hypervigilanteg in this case it *didnt even occur to me* to say "if she doesn't want to", because to me that was so obvious that I took it for granted as 'it goes without saying'the thing that i'm thinking about today in relation to this is how... it's very difficult to have a good friendship/relationship between equals, across this sort of 'trigger gap'. and i think it partially explains why people tend to be clustered "amongst their own kind"even if both parties are generally kind, civil, polite, respectful, make an effort to understand each other, etc etci've spent 20+ years of my life now trying to be 'friends with everyone' as much as i could, and the consequence of that is that i've developed a lot of sad experience of the limits of that. you'd typically need a very compelling reason to overcome such friction. which is rare^ in the earliest years it was because i was lonely, but i actually basically 'solved' that, and from then on it became about helping other kids who are lonely like i was— and the really sad thing is that i haven't been able to help all of them; not even all that seek me outlike maybe 20-30% of them are down bad worse than i was, and i'm not qualified to help those cases. (tho sometimes maybe about 3% of the time i hear from someone who was down bad worse and somehow used my stuff to self-administer the indescribable mental motions they needed)i'm visualizing my kidself like. i'm 12 and i'm offered this quest, "do you want to help kids like yourself?" i obviously leap at it and go yes please!!
"the cost is that some of those kids are going to come to you with hope in their eyes and they're not gonna make it"
mani mean it's not like i'm a doctor or surgeon operating on people who literally die, so. i have it comparatively easy. someone who 'doesn't make it' in the short-medium term might still 'make it' (on their own terms) years down the line. i'm not getting to the heart of it here...the heart of the thing is sth like, to decide to try and help, even amongst the people who opt-in and want to be helped, is to decide to encounter failure after failure. idk how anybody ever, yknow, runs a company where you might have to fire people. i'd be sad about it foreverig you just keep focusing on the wins. the next kid you can help. the next happy reader, customer, colleague, etc. there's an element of mission focus there, where moping excessively about the lost and fallen jeopardizes the mission for those still engagedbut the optimal amount of moping is not 0
and when i think 'why am i sad, why does it hurt,' etc and give myself space to really see and feel it all in context, i realize i would not much like the version of myself that feels nothing"optimal amount of moping is not 0" lmfao once again we are here
yes
it's been maybe a couple of years since this happened– but from time to time in the past when i talked about my relationship with my wife, i'd sometimes get very intense angry/upset responses from women who were clearly pattern-matching me onto someone abusive or controlling ... that read was so far removed from my reality that it never bothered me personally, i'd show it to my wife and we'd both be like "aw man, yikes" about it, because truly, poor them, that they witnessed something so terrible that their threat model is so hypervigilant ... eg in this case it *didnt even occur to me* to say "if she doesn't want to", because to me that was so obvious that I took it for granted as 'it goes without saying' ... the thing that i'm thinking about today in relation to this is how... it's very difficult to have a good friendship/relationship between equals, across this sort of 'trigger gap'. and i think it partially explains why people tend to be clustered "amongst their own kind" ... even if both parties are generally kind, civil, polite, respectful, make an effort to understand each other, etc etc ... i've spent 20+ years of my life now trying to be 'friends with everyone' as much as i could, and the consequence of that is that i've developed a lot of sad experience of the limits of that. you'd typically need a very compelling reason to overcome such friction. which is rare ... ^ in the earliest years it was because i was lonely, but i actually basically 'solved' that, and from then on it became about helping other kids who are lonely like i was— and the really sad thing is that i haven't been able to help all of them; not even all that seek me out ... like maybe 20-30% of them are down bad worse than i was, and i'm not qualified to help those cases. (tho sometimes maybe about 3% of the time i hear from someone who was down bad worse and somehow used my stuff to self-administer the indescribable mental motions they needed) ... i'm visualizing my kidself like. i'm 12 and i'm offered this quest, "do you want to help kids like yourself?" i obviously leap at it and go yes please!!
"the cost is that some of those kids are going to come to you with hope in their eyes and they're not gonna make it"
man ... i mean it's not like i'm a doctor or surgeon operating on people who literally die, so. i have it comparatively easy. someone who 'doesn't make it' in the short-medium term might still 'make it' (on their own terms) years down the line. i'm not getting to the heart of it here... ... the heart of the thing is sth like, to decide to try and help, even amongst the people who opt-in and want to be helped, is to decide to encounter failure after failure. idk how anybody ever, yknow, runs a company where you might have to fire people. i'd be sad about it forever ... ig you just keep focusing on the wins. the next kid you can help. the next happy reader, customer, colleague, etc. there's an element of mission focus there, where moping excessively about the lost and fallen jeopardizes the mission for those still engaged ... but the optimal amount of moping is not 0
and when i think 'why am i sad, why does it hurt,' etc and give myself space to really see and feel it all in context, i realize i would not much like the version of myself that feels nothing ... "optimal amount of moping is not 0" lmfao once again we are here
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