I spent years as a couples therapist, and the success of any relationship comes down to:

How well you navigate conflict and how quickly you repair after that conflict.

Every relationship will have conflict. Conflict is a natural part of human relationships because we all have different past experiences. Because of this we will see things differently.

Having conflict doesn't mean anything is wrong with the relationship. It can actually (when navigated in healthy ways) be a space for partners to better understand each other. And to create deeper emotional connection.

How you cope with and view conflict comes from your childhood experiences. How you witnessed parent-figures deal with conflict created emotional memories. Those emotional memories become activated when you face conflict, yourself.

For example: Let's say you saw your partners have explosive fights. Something as simple as what was for dinner could become a screaming match where your parents brought up past issues, name called, and became hostile toward each other.

This means your subconscious mind created an association that conflict = pain, emotional abuse, rejection, or abandonment.

Or, let's say you watched a parent completely avoid or shut down in conflict. You never witnessed people work through issues, together. This means your subconscious mind created an association that conflict = something to be avoided at all costs.

Now, conflict brings up fear in you.

You might deal with this fear by: - avoiding conflict at all costs (appeasing, fawning, people pleasing) - becoming highly defensive during conflict - talking over your partner, invaliding their experiences in a hope that conflict will just 'go away'

- denial: common in dysfunctional homes where there's a fight and then instead of communicating or coming to a compromise, family members act as if nothing happened

In order to become a better partner, it's important to do inner work and reflect on how conflict was deal with in your home growing up. If you're like me (and many others) you might lack the skills necessary to navigate conflict in healthy ways.

And that's ok, because we can always learn these skills as adults with commitment, self compassion, and lots of practice. These skills are called: repair. Or the ability to come back together after conflict happens.

HOW HEALTHY PARTNERS REPAIR: 1. They deal with it, they don't avoid it: healthy partners prioritize repair after conflict. They don't let things linger, and they both come to the table to openly communicate.

2. They validate their partners feelings, *even if they disagree*: "I understand how why you feel that way" or "I can see that I really hurt you" helps their partner feel seen and and heard. We don't need to agree with someone to understand how they feel.

3. They actively listen: they allow their partner to speak, without speaking over them. They listen from a space of curiosity (even when triggered) to better understand where their partner is coming from.

4. They own their role: they're open and humble about owning their role and apologize. ex: "That joke I told in front of our friends wasn't funny, it hurt you. I really apologize and won't do that again." Note: they're not defensive "it's not a big deal."

5. They don't fight to win, they seek compromise: healthy partners look for both people to "win" and navigate conflict as a team. They're not trying to one-up each other or score-keep. These things only cause resentment.

6. They stick to the issue at hand: they don't bring up the past, or make empathic statements like "you always do x." They speak about and stick to the current issue, then find solutions together.

7. They affirm love for each other: conflict can be really overwhelming especially if we were raised in homes where conflict meant blow-ups or loss of love. Post conflict healthy partners: might cuddle, hug, or let their partner know they love them.

If you found this helpful follow: @Theholisticpsyc I write threads every day on how to heal yourself. Pre-order upcoming workbook: https://t.co/cfspkMcbGB Join SelfHealers Circle Waitlist opening JAN 9TH https://t.co/dqXv0WErsa